Human Need

I find it amazing that most people search their entire life for unconditional love, but never fully understand its true meaning. We see this type of love often play out on television and movies. We expect this type of love from our parents and loved ones, and we demand it from our significant others, yet in theory have no clue what it really is. When I first began researching this topic, I found tons and tons of varied opinions on unconditional love. But what I found most interesting is that there was absolutely no consistency in how we view the notion of unconditional love, yet it is wildly discussed and an essential part of the human existence. 

According to Wikipedia, unconditional love is a type of love for which has no bounds and is unchanging.  Because the dictionary does not define two words together, I had to separately look up the definition of each word.  Merriam-Webster defines “unconditional” as not conditional or limited; nothing more, nothing less.  They define “love” in multiple terms; it is a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties. Warm attachment, enthusiasm or devotion.  The object of attachment, devotion, or admiration.  And lastly, the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.  If you combine the two definitions together then you get, “Not conditional or limited to the following; strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties. Warm attachment, enthusiasm or devotion.  The object of attachment, devotion, or admiration.  The unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.” All relationships require the existence of this form of love, but what I want to focus on is its context in romantic relationships.

Author Willard F. Harley, Jr, wrote a phenomenal book entitled His Needs, Her Needs. In this book, he lists the most basic needs of men and women.  I became familiar with this book after attending a get together with a couple who mentors singles. They stated that every year they take time out to re-read this book in order to keep their marriage fresh.  I understood why after reading this book.  It’s like I had an “ah-ha moment,” reminding me of the saying, “Life is a hard teacher, it gives the test first and the lesson afterwards.”  Williams places the needs in a hierarchy. For men, they include:

1.         Sexual Fulfillment

2.         Recreational Companionship

3.         Physical Attractiveness

4.         Domestic Support

5.         Admiration

For women, they are:

1.         Affection

2.         Intimate Conversation

3.         Honesty and Openness

4.         Financial Support

5.         Family Commitment

Interesting, right? I strongly suggest that you read this book if you are dating, married or thinking about entering into a relationship. If we were to take unconditional love and match it up with the needs of its respective gender, we would have “Not conditional or limited to the following; strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties. Warm attachment, enthusiasm or devotion.  The object of attachment, devotion, or admiration.  The unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another, to meet the following needs for a man Sexual Fulfillment, Recreational Companionship, Physical Attractiveness, Domestic Support, Admiration.”

For a woman, “Not conditional or limited to the following; strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties. Warm attachment, enthusiasm or devotion.  The object of attachment, devotion, or admiration.  The unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another, to me the following needs Affection, Intimate Conversation, Honesty and Openness, Financial Support, Family Commitment.”

We can now consider the context, or more so, a blueprint for success.  As of 2018, the CDC listed the following statistics for marriage and divorce in America:

•          Number of marriages: 2,132,853

•          Marriage rate: 6.5 per 1,000 total population

•          Number of divorces: 782,038

•          Divorce rate: 2.9 per 1,000 population

While I understand that there are varying factors that also contribute to the success of a relationship, I wonder if we started the conversation on the necessities for a successful relationship and then instituted them into our requirements to obtain a marriage license.  Or even better—teach this to our children, maybe even in school, so we can create a more authentic sustainable love that shifts the relationship/marriage narrative.

They say knowledge is power, but as life has taught me it is only applied knowledge that gives one power.  You now have the information. So I ask: What will you do with it?  I love feedback, so please visit nazlahhudgins.com and share your thoughts. I am oh-so interested.